my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
