I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
