Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize