things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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