I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
