i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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