Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
