God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
