WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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