So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
did i just pee glitter
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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