He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize