hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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