Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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