Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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