i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
