farters have to be the big spoon...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
