what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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