corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
