dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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