i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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