you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
