I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
