Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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