Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
