Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
