I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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