you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize