when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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