im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
