i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
