Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
