So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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