on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I need a burrito and a hug.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
