final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
