I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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