I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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