well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
