My underwear smells like fireworks.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
