The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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