last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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