:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
