if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Your cock deserves a montage
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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