I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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