I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
