She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize