is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
