last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
