There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
