How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
