What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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