She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
