just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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