So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
