i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
