I wish I could punch you in the face.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
