We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
