You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
