I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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