OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It's shark week go big or go home
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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